Saturday, October 1, 2016

vulnerability with a pinch of pride and shame

The first five days are over. I woke up this morning thinking about medical insurance. We aren't sure what happens or how quickly our coverage will expire. Fear brushed over me with the thought of not having a protection for medical needs. 

Shame. Pride. I don't want people to know our situation. At first I did. The pain of the severed job was so fresh, I needed to tell a few people. Today I don't want to. Today I feel like hiding it. I don't want pity. 

My mind is spinning again. I don't want to overreact with extreme conservative living by micromanaging food, gasoline, utilities. But that temptation is very real. I know that role. I'm well practiced in it. 

As much as is possible I want to keep things feeling familiar to my kids. I can't say normal, because normal ended five days ago. We can't go back to that life. It's over. 

But familiar is different. I can aim for that. We bought running shoes for Phoebe this week. That was already on the plan. Not a reaction to "cheer her up". We also bought a bike for Eli. His was stolen about a month ago - and we've been intending to replace it. Now that's done. 

These things may seems imprudent in our current situation. But the help me feel like we're moving forward and not simply shutting down. There's a careful balance in there. 

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